Desires of my Heart

Wow!!!! Refreshed Passion and Renewed Strength. Those are my feelings in a nut shell. Last night was amazing. I took Haley, Ashlyn, Taylor, and KT to the Barlow Girl with Matthew West and Down Here concert last night. It was amazing. There's something to be said about Christians that rock, literally. They have so much fun on stage. I can only imagine. I would love to get to be on stage, dancing and doing what I love every night. But even cooler is that they get to lead people closer to Jesus. A girl at the concert last night was leading a prayer and she said "Hey Jesus" I so wanna be that cool. We had a great time and ran into some people that we know. We also got to meet Barlow Girl, Matthew West and Down Here. So there's a lot going on in me. Here's where we start.

Thoughts:

Why do men and women (even Christian ones) act like Christian music is so awful? Why can't they just sink there teeth in and get into it and realize it's about ministry not the quality of music. I mean have you listened to the lyrics of the music that you are knocking? Oh my gosh. I so love my Jesus like that, why don't you? You know what I don't know any Chick bands that play as well as Barlow Girl. I can't even think of an all Girl band that I am willing to say the name of (because I think they're vulgar). Secondly, These girls can rock and they are passionate about making young people's lives better. Why would some one who peruses holiness knock a Christian band? I mean suck it up, it's not about you. Not all music can reach everyone. It's about the people that it does reach and you have no right to act like they're not good enough for you to listen to because you're so musically inclined and you think they're beneath you. What if Third Day or Skillet wouldn't give you the time of day and they thought that you were beneath them. So like Thumper's Father says "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." And before I get off my soap box I have to say they are your fellow Christians you should lift them up in their ministry because they've chosen to use they're talents for God. And there's something to be said for young girls screaming their heads off for people who promote such good things, and then in turn those people turning around a leading worship an those same young ladies worshiping like their lives depeneded on it. My girls are amazing. I love all of you. And men who think that Girly bands and innocent bands are cool and actually are good enough guys to go with their chick friends or younger sisters/family members are totally hot. There were several guys up in the front last night loving on Jesus to cool music. Ok I'm getting off the soap box. Some men are just on my nerves. And then there was this really awesome guy there last night who loved being there, he knows there's cooler music but he loves his little sister and wants to be in youth/children's ministry. He's so totally cool. Marshall you rock.

So God's really been dealing with me on passion and what I want to do. All I can do is cry every time I think about the future and what I want to do. I want to impact young ladies. Actually I want God to impact them, I just wanna be a tool. I want to be strong and independent and an example worthy of being looked up to. I want my husband, when God decides that it's time, to love youth as much as I do. I think I wanna do something with inner city or foster children. I wanna get involved. I want to help change young ladies perspective. That women can do anything they want, and God has an amazing plan for their lives. I don't know if I'll ever work full time in ministry, the very thought makes my soul wanna jump, but I do know that I very much have a burden. And I do see a need. I'm so ready for the people around me to know that ministry is a get to, not a have to. I so need some of those people in my life to catch a fire that won't go out. Not what you get at camp or emotional services (not that those aren't great) but I need it to stick in them. I'm ready for my friend to stop with their crap and realize that I'm not going to be their easy friend, I'm always going to put God back in the center of their thoughts and be that constant reminder. They deserve that, not like they should be tortured, but they deserve to know that God has something so much better. You don't have to figure it out all by your self because God knew you before you were even in your mother's womb. He ordained everyone of your steps and walks them with you. And bad things might happen but he promised that All things work together for the good of those that are called. The catch is, it's according to his will. Not yours. But if you're seeking his very best I guess it is your will. You may think you know what you want, but God has such a better plan. And he's already worked out all the kinks.

I know I'm talking a lot. There's just a lot I need to get off my chest. I am starting to feel like my thoughts are cluttering my head. I can't keep it all straight anymore. It's all there and emotional and then when I sit to write it's just all jumbled. Today it's coming out better. So I thought I'd just let it go. I don't even know if anyone reads this. I just know that I needed to get some stuff out. And my journal wasn't an option since I'm at work. I do need to go though since I am at work. Not that there's anything to do but I need to pretend. I love you guys.

What do I want?

Wow it's been forever since I've last blogged. Well not forever but almost a year. Ava Grace will be a year old next month. Dance Expressions is about to turn two and Chris and I will have been together for a year next Monday Night/Tuesday Morning. It's amazing how much life can change in a short time. How much a person can change. So what's going on.

Um youth is great. This weekend is Slack Attack, Jerrid rededicated his life to Christ, he'll be there this weekend. Haley will be there this weekend, that's crazy. She's my baby, like the one I used to carry around. Tabbie and I get to be adults. lol. I'm not sure if Boo will ever be tough enough to kick us out of youth.

Chris is great. Actually he's amazing. He's the only guy (other than my dad, Richie, Jerrid, Scotty, Uncle Tim or my Grandfather) that's looked at me and I know that he loves me. The real me. The person that I only let a few people into when I do let me guard down. I love him so much. He really does look out for me. And wants to. I think he really understands the difference in have to and get to. That something I was scared I would never have in a guy. I was afraid I would end up with one like my dad. Not that I don't love him, but he makes that relationship so strained. I love him with my whole heart.

Katie Harris is helping me teach dance. This year's going to be fun. No over head, not chasing bills. Just fun. I'm keeping it as stress free as possible.

Home is better. I actually moved out for about three weeks because Dad was in a rut and Jerrid was just hateful. But looking back I know that he was running from God, and that will make anyone hateful.

So this is where I'm at: I have a new job that I love. It's so me. Lots of people to work with and only a limited number of clients to get to know and cater to. There's something new everyday. It's a field to get in and learn and either you love it or you hate it. I'm 5 weeks in, we'll see. See being back in the corporate world has really made me think about some things. I really want to move out and just be me for a little while. And at the same time I so wanna be with Chris. If God would ok it and Chris would ask I would marry him tomorrow. Ok well not tomorrow but I would start the planning process anyways. There's so many things that I want us to be and I feel like we're on our way but I don't think that we're there yet. I wanna be in ministry and I don't know that he does. I know there's a calling but I don't know if it's what he loves. I want to be so sold out that there's no other option than to tell people about Jesus and to help heal broken hearts. Chris told me one time that he knew that I had been given a talent or gift for counseling. So why doesn't he know that we need to be in ministry? Why can't we just push through the crap. Why doesn't he want to? I found the cutest Pampered Girl designer stuff. I so wanna do an apartment in it. I miss Chris. Like I really wish that I went home to him every night. I hate not getting to spend time with him throughout the week now that he's in School and I'm teaching. Not to mention that he's about to move to Saginaw. I can't stand that. He's going to be so far away. I want to be balanced and have my finances (Lord forgive me for swearing) under control before that. And I know that the time will come, I just have to sit and wait and I'm not good at that. I was so lonely yesterday afternoon after work. I just turned my music up and sang all the way home. It's probably because I didn't go to church Sunday because Chris and I went to Six Flags Sunday and then Wednesday night I was sick. Or it could have been because Chris snapped at me and didn't have time for me because of school. But I'm learning that my loneliness is God's cry for companionship. And Chris is going to be busy a lot more than he has been. For a year I've had him at my every wish. And now I have to learn to enjoy my alone time again. That's going to stink major. Anyways I need to get some work done.

Timing

Ok, let's try this one more time. This will be the third time I've retyped this. The title of this blog was called timing until it ticked me off. Anyways here we go.

Have you ever noticed that God has amazing timing. Like when you least expect it and you think everything is just going to get worse it all just kinda works it's self out. I've had that kind of month. lol yeah month. I have a friend (that works in the same office with me) and she's going through a really bad break up with her girlfriend (yes you read that right and it's not a typo). So she was telling me about all the crap that's going on and then she started talking to me about how she thinks this is God's way of showing her that she's made some life choices that are wrong and that she's always felt guilty for them. Then she said "Amber, I can only put trust in the fact that God is the alpha and the omega, and that he has everything planned". And I told her that she was right, God does have everything under control. I then got to share with her how God works all things for the good of those who love him, and I know that I say that a lot but after everything I've been through I have to believe that it's true. As she told me how she had nothing left and she didn't think that she was good enough for anything anymore I simply shared Jer 29:11 with her. It's awesome to know that everything will be ok when you tell someone that. I believe that God sometimes has to take everything from us so that he can truely show us how much he loves us, and that if we'll let him he will handle everything. She is an amazing lady, with such a big heart and could be used to do so much. When I started working here I asked God to help me see them as he did. And while it's been hard, it has kept me from having a hard heart when they've done things on purpose to make my life harder. My boss is a very selfish person but I'm able to see that she's just trying to fill that void. I know that God is dealing with her. And I know that God has acutally gotten through to my friend. The last nine months here have been rather hard, not that it's a hard job, it's just hard to sit through all the immoral crap that goes on here: language, sexual comments towards me, immoral sexual comments from my friend's girl friend (that also happens to be my boss), it's just not all worth it, but then again right here in the end it is.
In other parts of my life, I'm learning that I'm really impatient, and that has created a really weird situation. And I know he's reading so I'll say it here and now, in black and white, "I'm sorry, I was wrong and I'm sorry." But you guys need to write it down because I only admit that I'm wrong about 3% percent of the time, the other 97% is for the men in my life. (lol you know I'm kidding). Anyways I'm learning that God's timing is everything, and that when I really think something is right if I'll wait it out chances are I don't even what that thing later, or if I do it's been totally worth the wait.

And last but most definatly not least, Ava will be here in about 48 hours. I'm so excited. They are going to induce on Thursday morning so as soon as I have pictures I will share. Anyways I need to go. I'm at work and getting nothing done. Talk to you guys later, FLICT you. byah.

MY GOD IS AMAZING!!!

WOW, what a weekend. Not that it was a good one, but looking back it's cool to see how at work God really is in my life. I can't believe sometimes my ignorance to the situation and how God is really using it. But looking back I can truely see how God is working. It's true that All things work together for the good of those who are called. I can't really give you details about my weekend without disclosing some of my friends personal information and hurting some feelings so I'll just give you the jest of it.

There was a situation with my best guy friend, and I was afraid it was going to end our friendship. But my God is amazing, and he worked it for the best. And it is awesome to know that someone cares that much for me and respects me that much. And now we both know that we are where we should be with each other, and that best friends is ok. We have found a love for each other that not many people get to experience.

Also I had some family in town this last weekend. And I love them so much, but this weekend was trying. And by trying I mean on my patients and spiritually. But also this weekend I realized that the things I have been through and the hardships that I have faced in my past are all for a good reason. Because God works all things for the good of those who are called. It's funny how I'm able to see situations in other peoples lives because I've already lived through them. That's just amazing to me. That something that was so horrible can be used for God's will. That's amazing to me.

Audj has been to the hospitle several times. Ava is ready to be here and the Doctors aren't ready for her yet. Audj is very ready for her to be here too. They have another Doctors appointment on Friday. Hopefully we will get Ava this weekend.

I so wish I could explain in detail everything that has happened in the last couple of weeks. But it contains a lot of people's personal lives and a lot of feelings. I was so glad for the weekend to be over and to be coming back to work. I know that's sad after a three day weekend but hey its the truth. I had posted earlier and said that everything was Blurry. Well my friend told me that God is not the author of confusion but satan is. And it's funny how much your eyes open once you realize that. Thank you for sharing your wisdom with me. Anyways I need to go. Have a great day and keep pressing on. Love you

Amber

Life is Blunt

It's a really hard fact to face when you realize that something to have believed in so much for so long is really not what you were searching for all along. Whether you've been chasing it for 6 months or 16 years, sometimes it really hurts to figure out that it's not what the chase has really been about. Does that make since? Like the dream that I've been pursuing for several years. It took me a really long time to know that my hobby wasn't who I am, it's just what I do. And then at the same time I have to realize that it's not the only thing I do, God has given me so many other talents that it's now time to pursue. Or that guy that you've been dating for awhile and it seems like there's so much there, and then one day it's just gone, and you don't really know why. But God always replaces it with something else. And always has something that you are supposed to be pursuing. Maybe it's a best friend, who wants to just make the world better when he sees you cry, and sometimes even when it doesn't fit his schedule he just knows that you need his company. Maybe it's a new dream. I guess its not really that I'm not following through with my dream it's that God had given me a new dream that really kinda ties to the old one. It's funny how I've gone from wanting to be a big corporate Woman who finds her way in a "man's world" to being completely ok with being the woman behind the amazing man of God. God made it very apparent to me that there have been several generations of "Proverbs 31" women in my family. And I do feel that I am called to be the next one. I've always been so scared that God would call me to and put me in a position that I couldn't handle. But then I realized it's not about me. God isn't my tool to take out of my box when I need him and put him back in. Actually it's quite the opposite. I'm his tool and he intends on using me in every situation. I know that the people that are in my life right now are the people that are helping to shape my life, because they are also being used as tools.

On a different note: Audj is really close to being a mommy. She had a doctor's appointment on Tuesday and they admitted her for a little while to watch her blood pressure. Then they sent her home on bed rest. Yeah, she was happy. She called me yesterday and told me she needed a spoon. When I asked her what for she said to pluck her eyeballs out because she was so bored. Anyways she has another appointment on Friday and they might induce depending on the baby's health and her blood pressure.

Last night in praise and worship was awesome. Chris being there might have had something to do with it. lol. He's the most awesome guy ever. I tell him he's my favorite. Well sometimes I tell him he's not my favorite. He's really mean to me sometimes (all in love I'm sure) but then I tell him he's not my favorite anymore. It's awesome to have someone that really listens to your problems, and really cares about your well-being. And more importantly when I won't tell him about my problems he just prays, knowing that he's put it in bigger hands. I know he is honestly a God send. I have very few friends that I'm that close to, and even fewer that I can discuss my Christian walk with.

Anyways other than just the whole Christian walk thing and yesterday being a weary day in my walk, yesterday was still pretty crappy. Mom called me right before I met up with Chris to go to church and we were talking about stuff that I'm really stressed out about and she made me cry right before he got there. Then he wanted to know what was wrong and that made me cry. It was just bad. But then I got into church and we finally got to worship and I decided to just get lost. And wow its amazing to know that God will just rescue you. That's my new favorite song, Rescue. It says:

I need you Jesus come to my rescue
Where else can I go
No other name by which I am saved
Capture me with Grace
I will follow you

That is exactly where I was at last night. Everything seems to build up around me and I just need to get out. I just needed God to form a barrier between me and the world and then for me to make to conscience statement I will go where ever you send me and do whatever you ask of me. Wow I needed last night. Anyways I have ratteled so much today. I have so much to say and so much emotion and very little time to get it all in. I just want to share everything that is happening.

Oh yeah my grandmother, who has never cut her hair in her life, is getting a hair cut this weekend. Aunt Freda and Kelly and Aunt Betty and Brittany are coming in for the event. It's going to be so awesome. Anyways I really need to go, Love ya, C ya byah.
~Amber Sheree

Bored

I'm so bored. lol. Wow I don't think I'm really that bored I just know that I have so much more to do and I can't get it done while at work. Audj is about to be here though and she's bringing icecream. Yea!!!! Ice cream makes the world go round. (yeah right, well maybe just my world). I really don't have anything spiritual to say today. I really don't have anything to say that's profound. I'm just kinda here. I have so much that's going on I just don't even know how to start saying any of it. Tabbie had a blah day on Wednesday, Today is my turn. lol. Anyways I wish some one would get online so I would have someone to talk to. Ok well I guess I really don't need to just sit here and rattle about nothing, so I guess I'll go. Talk to you later. Love ya,
~Am~

Lonely

Have you ever felt like no matter how close someone is, you're still so far away? Am I the only person that goes through this? I hate it. As in I'm not fond of it at all. It just seems like all my friends are going through so much right now. Audj is having a baby, Jess is getting married, Court is starting school and dealing with an ex boyfriend. I just feel like there's no one to turn to sometimes. Like my friends that I'm the closest to have their own agenda. Maybe this is God's way of bringing "better" friends into my life. I know that there are people that love me and care about me, but when most of them talk it's like they're talking down to me. Like they have so much more insight to my life than I do. But it seems like the people I identify best with are on a different level now. Maybe that's what God is showing me. Maybe I'm the one that's changed. Chris is such an awesome friend. He came over last night and had dinner with me and watched a movie. He wanted me to go to this College and Carreer thing with him tonight. It's with Kingwood's group. I really would love to hang out with him. But I really don't feel like meeting new people tonight, or being entertaining. I just want to be in my worship service, with my girls. You know how some times you just feel like you need to be in your worship service and not being pushed? Anyways I just wanted to post. I just needed to get some stuff out.

On a different note: Audj said that yesterday she went to the Doctor and they think that the baby has turned. Thank God! They also said that they think the baby is going to be a big baby. And I have to be in the delivery room. I'm so glad she's coming and I'm so glad it's Audj and not me, (lol. Ok that was mean I know but you know you would have said the same thing)!!!

Barry and I got in a fight. A real one. And I think it's my fault. I'm not real fond of the situation right now. I think he's scared of me. I know I'm out there and a little abrasive at times but I don't know what I did. I don't understand. Anyways I'm putting it in God's hands. I prayed along time ago that if this was to be then he would persue it. And he is, Kinda. I think he's stuck where I was about a month ago. About not knowing where to go or how to go about it. It's really hard praying and not hearing an answer. But sometimes God doesn't want us to do anything except stand there. I had to just slow down, and stop trying so hard. I really do care about him. I feel safe with him. I know it's crazy. But he reminds me so much of my Daddy. And then he kinda has Uncle Timmy's personality too, he doesn't really say much unless there's something that needs to be said. I hate fighting with him. I don't even know how to act with him. I wanna hug him and tell him that I'm not ticked. That it's all ok and I just want to forget it. But then there are times that I feel like he thinks of me as a friend. I hate that. I don't have "friend" feelings for him. But then again, God knows I can't be hurt again. After this weekend I think He knows that too. I do trust him. With my life, not my heart. But I don't trust any guy with my heart.

Anyways I need to go. This is turning into a small book. I miss having friends and us all hanging out together. Seems like the older we get the more we drift away from each other. My friends are wanting me to go to Auburn this weekend. I'm not really feeling it but I may. I need to get away. Anyways until I talk to you later. Have a great day.

Love ya, ~Amber