Life is Blunt

It's a really hard fact to face when you realize that something to have believed in so much for so long is really not what you were searching for all along. Whether you've been chasing it for 6 months or 16 years, sometimes it really hurts to figure out that it's not what the chase has really been about. Does that make since? Like the dream that I've been pursuing for several years. It took me a really long time to know that my hobby wasn't who I am, it's just what I do. And then at the same time I have to realize that it's not the only thing I do, God has given me so many other talents that it's now time to pursue. Or that guy that you've been dating for awhile and it seems like there's so much there, and then one day it's just gone, and you don't really know why. But God always replaces it with something else. And always has something that you are supposed to be pursuing. Maybe it's a best friend, who wants to just make the world better when he sees you cry, and sometimes even when it doesn't fit his schedule he just knows that you need his company. Maybe it's a new dream. I guess its not really that I'm not following through with my dream it's that God had given me a new dream that really kinda ties to the old one. It's funny how I've gone from wanting to be a big corporate Woman who finds her way in a "man's world" to being completely ok with being the woman behind the amazing man of God. God made it very apparent to me that there have been several generations of "Proverbs 31" women in my family. And I do feel that I am called to be the next one. I've always been so scared that God would call me to and put me in a position that I couldn't handle. But then I realized it's not about me. God isn't my tool to take out of my box when I need him and put him back in. Actually it's quite the opposite. I'm his tool and he intends on using me in every situation. I know that the people that are in my life right now are the people that are helping to shape my life, because they are also being used as tools.

On a different note: Audj is really close to being a mommy. She had a doctor's appointment on Tuesday and they admitted her for a little while to watch her blood pressure. Then they sent her home on bed rest. Yeah, she was happy. She called me yesterday and told me she needed a spoon. When I asked her what for she said to pluck her eyeballs out because she was so bored. Anyways she has another appointment on Friday and they might induce depending on the baby's health and her blood pressure.

Last night in praise and worship was awesome. Chris being there might have had something to do with it. lol. He's the most awesome guy ever. I tell him he's my favorite. Well sometimes I tell him he's not my favorite. He's really mean to me sometimes (all in love I'm sure) but then I tell him he's not my favorite anymore. It's awesome to have someone that really listens to your problems, and really cares about your well-being. And more importantly when I won't tell him about my problems he just prays, knowing that he's put it in bigger hands. I know he is honestly a God send. I have very few friends that I'm that close to, and even fewer that I can discuss my Christian walk with.

Anyways other than just the whole Christian walk thing and yesterday being a weary day in my walk, yesterday was still pretty crappy. Mom called me right before I met up with Chris to go to church and we were talking about stuff that I'm really stressed out about and she made me cry right before he got there. Then he wanted to know what was wrong and that made me cry. It was just bad. But then I got into church and we finally got to worship and I decided to just get lost. And wow its amazing to know that God will just rescue you. That's my new favorite song, Rescue. It says:

I need you Jesus come to my rescue
Where else can I go
No other name by which I am saved
Capture me with Grace
I will follow you

That is exactly where I was at last night. Everything seems to build up around me and I just need to get out. I just needed God to form a barrier between me and the world and then for me to make to conscience statement I will go where ever you send me and do whatever you ask of me. Wow I needed last night. Anyways I have ratteled so much today. I have so much to say and so much emotion and very little time to get it all in. I just want to share everything that is happening.

Oh yeah my grandmother, who has never cut her hair in her life, is getting a hair cut this weekend. Aunt Freda and Kelly and Aunt Betty and Brittany are coming in for the event. It's going to be so awesome. Anyways I really need to go, Love ya, C ya byah.
~Amber Sheree